So, this post is well overdue, but I finally got a moment to put a post together for you all. I plan on breaking up my journey on my weight loss over a few posts so if all my girls could be patient for a little while longer that would be appreciated.
Let me start this post by saying, I feel fat! Yep, how many of us women say it? I’m fat, I look fat, I feel fat. I am going to start again on Monday! Sound like you? Keep on reading.
Below I go into the roller-coaster of a nightmare that comes with gaining weight, see if you can you relate.
I have been feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin for a long time now. To my loyal followers all looking at my body shape on Instagram you could say sure, I look a healthy weight. I am not the skinniest girl or the fattest. I know this. I have skinny arms that look fat in pics. I have zero tits and broad shoulders. My tummy is flabby, and I have a little back fat. My thighs, FUCK, I hate my thighs. I could go on. I feel as though my body is very unproportioned. But as they say, we are our own worst critics, right?
You may think I look great, but only a few people know about the daily struggles that I have been going through.
One of these daily struggles have been binge eating!
I don’t really know when the food binges started but they have been around for a long time now.
I can go an entire day without eating, then as soon as I get home I eat whatever the hell I want. If I am having a bad mental health day I find myself heading to the bakery or Maccas on my lunch break. I go on a binging spree! Imagine me sitting in my car or a food court eating Maccas and Instagramming as though I don’t have a care in the world.
You need to eat your probably all thinking. But I don’t think two sausage and eggs muffins, two hash browns or a 4 pack of cheesy-mite scrolls followed by regret is a healthy lunch option. Do you?
I would go to McDonalds drive-thru and order two meals in separate bags, all so the staff member wouldn’t think they were both for me. My partner would ask me what I ate for lunch and I would say nothing. I could go on.
I knew this was a problem. A good day, a bad day or a hangover. I would always be up for a binge. The issue became a lot more significant when it started to further affect my mental health.
I realised there was a big problem when I couldn’t leave the house due to not having anything in my wardrobe fit me. Example, a date night or a family outing. My partner would tell me just wear anything. But that anything made me feel like shit. I might have looked great to him or my friends, but I was panicking and felt anxious. I was feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. So self-conscious, this left me bedridden and in tears. I had lost my sense of style and confidence.
Lost my sense of style:
Over the past few years, I lost my style and love for clothing. My work attire has been leggings and a big jumper with a scarf. This would hide my legs and gut, and I sure did hide it well. I can honestly say I hope I never see a pair of shiny leggings again! Every other outfit I bought or wore depended on my mood. I can promise you they ended up being returned, donated or binned. I was a size 8 to 12 and that’s a healthy size but nothing fit my shape.
Over the last 7 years my lifestyle became a cycle of the following:
- Clubbing weekly. All that alcohol and 3am Maccas runs.
- Working two-three jobs at a time snacking around the clock.
- Life as a door bitch. Red bulls, champagne snacking and sleeping all day or a few hours a night.
- Blog commitments: Free canapes & more booze. I am there.
- Stress: Eat, stress, eat, drink, repeat.
I was constantly eating out, socializing the works. A frozen weight watcher meal and a 30 min work out surely wasn’t going to help.
I needed help:
My partner, Mem, is super sweet (most of the time) hehe, even if I was a hippo he wouldn’t tell me I was. I show him my cellulite and he tells me there is nothing there, bless his soul right? Thankfully I ain’t blind. Mem always would just say if you wanna do something about it you will. When I was at my lowest moments he even offered more than once to go to the gym with me. Which is super sweet for someone who has never been to the gym before (besides that one time I dragged him there for 10 mins)
Late last year I made my way to my family doctor and asked for some professional help. My doctor couldn’t believe how much weight I had put on.
Stay tuned for Part 2: weight loss.